Removing the Mask

I’m asked how I’m doing almost on a daily basis. How is the transition home? How is your relationship with God? How are you feeling about going to Spain? And I’ve become an expert at providing the exemplary answer for a 25 year old who just traveled the world: It’s so good to be home and sharing everything I learned this past year; I’m enjoying the season I’m in but am excited for the next adventure; it’s been a joy to learn more about who God is every day.

If you were one of the recipients of these cookie cutter answers, I want to apologize.

Because the truth? 90% of the time, these cookie cutter answers were lies.

The honest answers to these questions? Read a few tidbits from my journal:

“I’m distant from everyone, including You, Lord. I don’t currently have intimacy with anybody and so desperately want it.”

“I’m an outside, a floater. Jumping back into my community and life is exhausting.”

“Being around people, something that used to be fulfilling and life giving, is lately draining and requires constant thought, constant awareness. I’d rather just keep to myself.”

“It’s easier to stay at a distant than to get hurt. But when I’m protecting myself, I’m always lonely and isolated.”

“I’ve put my walls up so high that not even I can get in.”

“God, I miss You.”

So there you have it. The cold, hard truth of how I’ve been. Maybe you’re shocked, thinking, “gee Haley, I thought you had it all together! Maybe, like my family and close friends, you are laughing right now thinking, “Duh! Haley, I could totally tell you weren’t okay!” I thought I was so secretive hiding my true feelings but I wasn’t fooling anybody. The response from everybody I’ve talked to about this “valley” has been along the lines of: “I knew you’d been guarded since you’ve been home,” or “I’m glad you’re finally able to open up about what you’re truly feeling.”

It turns out transition is really hard. Going from 11 countries in the same community, temporarily moving back home without said community but reinserting yourself into a new community and getting ready to go abroad again to leave that said community makes it hard to trust anybody but yourself – it’s easy to throw up your hands and say “what’s the point?” And that’s what I did. But in blocking the world around me out, I consequently cut myself from the true source, the only relationship I really need and the only one that will be with me throughout all these transitions: God.

I’m happy to share that these clips from my journal are from my “lowest of lows,” my “rock bottom.” And unsurprisingly, whether I saw it or not, God has been faithful through this whole journey. And with His persistence and my increasing trust in Him, He’s been able to re-break my walls down.

After facing the truth,  addressing the elephant in the room, He’s lead me to conversations with people, moments of vulnerability and revelations in myself that have built me back up and made my walls just a little weaker so people can get back in.  And finally learning how to have an intimate relationship with Jesus made it all worth it.

I don’t really know the purpose of this blog other than the need I felt to share the truth; if I’m inviting people into this journey, I can’t pick and choose what I share. So here are a few takeaways that may be helpful to anybody reading this:

1. There are people in your life that really care about you and love you. And yes, they can read you. They see through your act so instead of fighting it, let them in! And trust me, there are plenty of people in your life that care about you – more than you even know.
2. Just because your circumstances are okay doesn’t mean you have to be okay. Let me say it again for the people in the back: JUST BECAUSE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE OKAY DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY. Give yourself grace. It’s okay, in fact it’s NORMAL, to not be okay.
3. You are not alone! We so often feel shame for our emotions, embarrassed for anybody to find out. I felt so much guilt over feeling anxious and lonely all the time: there are so many people that have supported the past year of my life and followed my journey – who am I to not be grateful and excited about it? But when I muster up the courage to be honest about where I’m at, want to know the number one response? “I understand – I’ve been there before.”
4. Trust that God is working! I sense some eyes rolling at this redundant phrase but it’s SO important. I think so much of my pain came from trying to control my circumstances: controlling my relationships, my future, my emotions. And let me tell you that my control only leads to failure or dead ends. Every Time. And why? Because I have NO idea where I’m leading myself! But God does. And when I was able to let go and just trust His plan, everything suddenly started to fall into place. Let God be the Shepherd to your sheep!

As I was walking through my lows, my efforts to get out of it failed miserably. But as I let Him lead, I now see that He brought me through that season to shift my reliance from people to Him. His perspective is so great that  all we can do is trust it. In fact, Exodus 14:14 “the Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent.” Hear that? God, who sees our whole lives in front of Him, is fighting FOR us. All we have to do is give Him the wheel..

So why am I telling you all this?

As mentioned above, this March I’ll be moving to Spain for nine months as a student at Generation 42 Leadership Academy. Once again, I am reaching out to people in my life to ask for support, both financially, emotionally and prayerfully. (Shameless plug: if this is something you’d like more information on please message me or visit www.generation42.org/donations) But as I reach out to people, telling these white lies of how I’m doing is getting harder and harder.  I found it increasingly difficult to share the more I tried to hide. There have been countless moments when I’ve wanted to write about how excited I am but just couldn’t. Why? Because it wasn’t the truth.

So yes, I am still confident that Spain is where the Lord is leading me – and I’m SO excited! But I need to be honest in sharing that excitement for the future does not fix the difficulty of my current season. Being the person on social media that has it all together is a heavy mask to wear and I the weight was getting too heavy for me to wear. And much to my surprise, facing the reality of this season has made me more excited about Spain every day!

If you’re nervous to take your own mask off, let me assure you… it is SO freeing to finally be able to see clearly.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

– Brene Brown