Keep Looking at Aslan

If you’re wondering where in the world I am, I’m happy to report I’M HOME!

Upon arriving home, I knew I’d begin to face the “how was Spain?” conversations – and what would I say? I could talk about the weather, the white-washed walls, the mountains, the teachings. But ultimately, I want to tell my story.

So what is my story?

I have always struggled telling my story; in fact, I’ve always struggled to know my story. I recently heard someone say “I can talk about anything for hours. But the second I’m asked to talk about myself, I feel this fog quickly flood my mind.”  (For all you Enneagram-ers out there, it’s a 9 thing.)

But what the Lord’s been revealing to me recently is the strength behind our weakness; the enemy’s fear disguised as our own. What if the story I’ve always struggled to share is one with great power?

In the past nine months (and counting), the Lord has continued to reveal to me the truth behind my weaknesses. For example:

I’ve been silenced because I have something important to say.

I’ve been attacked by comparison because I am deeply and powerfully an original.

A critical voice in my mind tells me I’m overlooked because I’m fully known.

The enemy doesn’t pick apart our weaknesses. He does quite the opposite: he tries to blind us from our strengths. We’ve all heard the taunting voice of our inner critic; it’s a convincing voice! But it’s not a voice of truth. It’s a voice that shuts us down, pulls us back and draws us away from our purpose.

So in total honesty and risk, here’s my story:

The last month or so of my time in Spain, I dealt with that taunting voice screaming loud in my ear. Constantly. After nine months of intentional growth and discipleship, hours a day to hike a mountain with God and shout truths into the hills, daily conversations from people telling me the truth of who I am – after all this, I ended my time at G42 in a head-to-head battle with my inner critic. After 9 months of being told I was born to be loved, I constantly battled thoughts in my mind telling me I wasn’t – that there was more I had to do and I hadn’t done it.

During our graduation week, in a time of celebration, I still saw myself as less than. I looked at my classmates that had undergone such incredible transformation and no matter what I did or said to myself, I could not see the transformation in myself. There were voices all around me and within me building me up but the only voice I could hear was the one tiny, taunting one tearing me down.

As was its intention, this voice lead me down a rabbit hole of shame. And when I came back home, that shame followed me for those first few days. Lies were thrown my way that I took to be absolute truth:

People supported me financially to go to Spain and I have nothing to show for it – everyone is so disappointed in me.

I’m back living with my parents with no job and no money – will I ever be a responsible adult?

How selfish that I abandoned my friends and family to travel to Spain?

I’ve been gone for so long that people have moved on and don’t care about me anymore. They’ve given up on me.

RIDICULOUS. DUMB. LIES. But that’s what shame can do if we give it power. As a wise man I know says “we often take situations that are 1’s or 2’s and make them 8’s or 9’s.” Well here I was making every moment and tiny thought a 9. It’s as if I forgot everything I’d learned and experienced these past nine months. I was swimming in a pool of self-pity, choosing not to climb the ladder out of it.

But I hit my breaking point. I was DONE. And the beautiful thing about God is how patient He is. He won’t scream in our ears but the second we choose to listen to Him, He won’t stop speaking truth over us.

And that’s what happened. The moment I chose to silence the inner critic in my head, I heard the voice of God louder than ever before. And once you choose to hear the voice of God, the voice of your inner critic goes suddenly silent. I promise.

And if you’re reading this thinking “Haley, I can’t hear the voice of God,” I ask you to reconsider. The voice of God is simply the voice of love. His is that inner voice that isn’t condemning or critical. It’s that voice that tells you to take a deep breath, to look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are. The voice of love never brings about confusion but clarity. The voice of love always gives you grace and grants you wisdom without having to strive for it. The voice of love never changes its tone based on circumstances but is always rooted in truth.

The voice of love doesn’t say “you’re loved if…” or “you’re love unless…”

The voice of love says “You’re loved. Period.”

Since being home, I’ve had some of the sweetest conversations with His voice. Now, the inner critic tries to creep in saying “you should’ve figured this all out earlier-”

But I don’t even let him finish anymore. The voice of love reveals to me the beauty of this process. The past two weeks have been so sweet, so intimate and so healing. There have been no outside voices to lean on, no other experiences to compare my own to, no program or classroom to hide behind. I have received so many tools from the World Race, from G42, from living in community but the real transformation can only come from intimate experiences with God and His transforming love. And the healing I’ve received since being home has opened my eyes to the power of Christ in me. With everything else stripped away, He is still good. And I am still loved.

Now I don’t tell you this to receive sympathy or throw myself a pity party. It feels extremely lonely to think you’re the only one not okay. And shame likes to isolate. So for anybody feeling that tug of shame, I want to share my experience so that you know you are not alone. Nobody where you feel you should be right now, God has you exactly where you need to be.

I was reading the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe a few days ago and after a journey of being tempted by turkish delight and the lure of being king, Edmund is enslaved by the White Witch until Aslan frees him. Later that day, the Witch taunts Edmund with all too familiar words and what follows is this line:

“He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn’t seem to matter what the Witch said.”

A voice that used to have so much power over him, a voice he fearfully obeyed, suddenly fell silent. Its words didn’t matter anymore.

And this is the truth I hold onto: when I choose to hear the voice of God, the voice of the true King, the voices that used to hold so much power over me are meaningless. They don’t matter. Simply choose to hear the voice that silences all the others in your mind. And if you can’t do that yet, thank God that He is preparing your heart to make that choice in His perfect timing.

Everything belongs. Just keep looking at Aslan.